Entourage (2015)

Before watching this film for the second time I had to take a good hard look inside my soul, I had to ask myself, can you really do this? Can you stomach the second coming of the anti-christ? Believing myself a brave man I thought the answer was yes, I wasn’t necessarily wrong, but the things I had to endure, both physically and mentally, are almost unfathomable, to quote Batty from Blade Runner “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe”.

I’m going to conduct this review a little differently to all of my previous ones, while I try never to give too much away about a film whenever I discuss one, I have to here, to pinpoint exactly what is wrong with this film (there’s a lot) I will have to go into detail about a few scenes. Some of them are “key” and others not so much, so this is a fair spoiler warning. If you are considering seeking out this piece of absolute garbage then please, watch it before reading this, at your own peril of course… Don`t say I didn’t warn you.

So Entourage takes place mere months after the HBO television ended (for the record I have never seen the television show, I never want to after seeing this) and follows the exploits of a group of men as they try to conquer Hollywood. The group is comprised of five men Vince, Eric, Turtle, Johnny and Ari, All of them challenge eachother on the ol` douche-o-meter.

Our film opens with three members of the group, Eric, Turtle and Johnny riding a private speedboat to an even BIGGER private party-boat which is currently host to their friend Vinces, divorce party. Already I feel uneasy, the directing is shot like a slightly high-budget music video and the immediate objects the film focuses on is something achieved through wealth. Oh and look there`s a lovely young lady wearing very little, who for some bizarre reason  spies the men approaching and actually looks HAPPY about their arrival. I know we haven’t yet been introduced to these characters yet, but trust me on this, if you were a woman and spied these men coming, you would run so far in the opposite direction you’d eventually cover the circumference of the planet and be able to say hello to their backs.

SO said lady wanders inside to a bedroom/bathroom and it is here we see our fourth member of the group, the mighty VINCE ahhh yes Vince, the man who has just moments ago got divorced. A fact most women would respect and probably give the man some breathing room, not in the Entourage movie. Instead she offers herself to Vince, sexually of course, to which the man states he has just split with his wife (thank god he has an ounce of decency), then follows it up with “we need to wait a few hours first”, oh no scratch that, he is, as my mother would say, a “tit”.

entourage-movie-set
This is what a “divorce party” looks like in Entourage land. or as David Ateenborough would narrate “And here we have a boat full of arseholes”.

Vince proceeds to meet his friends to which they immediately objectify all of the attractive women onboard the boat and decide they can all stay, apart from the man who looks vaguely out of place, he can go, because he probably doesn’t have money, or a vagina.

Unfortunately our old pal Vince is stuck in a bit of a rut after his separation, he wants to find something to be passionate about and that will invigorate him, he demands to his agent/studio head that he be given the opportunity to direct a film. Yeah Vince, they`re just gonna hand you a major motion picture blockbuster to direct, life aint that easy son.

Anyway, turns out life is that easy because next minute he is directing said blockbuster entitled “Hyde” a modern day retelling of the classic Jekyll and Hyde story and has even been allowed to hire his brother, Johnny (Kevin Dillon) in a small role. For some publicity on the film they have allowed various media people on the set and are being interviewed by non other than the outstanding, living, breathing, walking, click-bait of a human being that is PIERS MORGAN, yes PIERS MORGAN is in this film. Now firstly there are two things to say about Piers Morgan in this film, the first being, he is not the worst thing about it, I know I know, how can this be? How can a world exist in which Piers Morgan is not the worst part about anything? Well, wait and see. Secondly in this disgrace of an ego trip for everyone involved the mighty Piers is treated like royalty, not only is he presented as a serious hard-hitting interviewer but as one character shockingly exclaims “I cant believe you just cursed at Piers Morgan” as if hes some sort of royalty!?!? You begin to wonder whether it will all become some satirical farce?  some sort of straight face take on the wretchedness of these men… its not, and things impressively manage to get worse, fast.

Okay, so that is pretty much the first 15 minutes of the film and already its managed to not only be an abomination, but also encapsulates almost all of the films running problems. The film simply cant present these characters with any difficulties to overcome and when it tries to, it feels so empty and disingenuous you couldn’t care less as an audience.

Secondly is its gender politics, now I thought long and hard about whether the movie was simply so stupid that it wasn’t aware of its own offense or the satire had completely washed over me. It turns out its neither, as Jeremy Piven (he plays Ari) said in an interview “Its a male fantasy”… I had to let that sink in for a moment as on a personal level I simply cannot agree with that, only if you were an absolute pig of a man would your fantasy be to only be interested in completely materialistic objects, never be interested in anyone’s problems but your own, and describe fun as “When you forget a girls name while you`re fucking”. These present themselves in abundance throughout the film but I really want to go into detail with them because they are so important in understanding the films attitudes toward women.

As the film progresses we are introduced to each of their characters and their apparent “arcs”.

First we have Vince he is the “star” of the group, being an aspiring actor and now director, his character isn’t as offensive as the others when it comes to mistreatment of women, but his character is handed everything on a plate, he faces no hardship so has zero character development. When it comes to the film he is directing no one has seen anything of it, Vince doesn’t want to show anyone until it is perfect and keeps delaying. Ari, the studio head, sits to watch a rough cut of the film, he refrains from watching the film for two hours, praying for the film to be good, he presses play on the remote and we as an audience get to experience it with him. Its terrible, the film looks like an awful euro-trash 90s clubber film, with overused slow motion effects and terrible, murky direction, it even features a cameo from Calvin Harris, king of trashy music and trashier music videos. You know its a stinker, a mega flop that aimed for greatness but achieved little, this is going to be what damages our star and causes him to try and rise from the ashes… Unfortunately everyone thinks the film is an absolute stone cold classic and believes it will even be up for Oscars! So, nothing to worry about Vince, your biggest worry is finding someone to replace your wife.

Entourage
People of earth, remember these faces… Avoid them at all cost.

 

Vinces manager Eric (Kevin Connolly), also known as E, is easily, by far and away the most hateful character of the entire film. Eric currently has a woman pregnant, her name is Sloane (played by Emmanuelle Chriqui) he cant possibly support the mother of his child because hes too busy. Doing what you ask? sleeping with other women of course. At one point his friends confront him about this and ask to meet this mystery new woman, Eric declines them so his friends dismiss the girl as being a “pig” because she must be ugly if he doesn’t want to show her off to them. URGH. The even weirder thing is the film can offer no justification for Eric’s ability to constantly sleep with these supermodel style women, Ari literally says to him “I don’t know how you do it, because its certainly not your looks or your personality”. Its because hes an Entourage boy Ari, he can have whatever he wants, when he wants.

In another creepy and quite frankly, sexist scene, Eric is with the mother to be at the hospital, he shows her a picture of his niece, but UH OH Eric you naughty little boy, just as he shows her he gets a text from one of his “girlfriends” telling him “I NEED YOUR COCK”. Sloan dismisses her (rightly so) and Eric decides to ring the girl up (her name is Melanie, its worth noting that the first time we see her is when she is naked, having sex with Eric, its always important how  a character is introduced in a film and we we only find out her name later on, further enforcing she is basically an object). Eric asks her not to text when hes with Sloan, god can you not help a guy out when hes trying to juggle all these women, do him a favor already! Melanie apologises, (I don’t know why) and explains the reason she text him was because she felt insecure. Excellent, so the only way the women in this film can make themselves feel as if they have any worth is by offering themselves sexually and being accepted. In another scene Eric is moping and the characters tell him that bedding a beautiful woman will make him feel better, to which he insists “We need to get opinions on the film not get Laid”, what a fool, Turtle quickly corrects him “Everything we do is to get laid”. Eric is then applauded for sleeping with a girl at the screening party in Turtles bed, where Turtle (and the audience) regrettably walks in on him, instead of being horrified by this shock discovery, Turtle congratulates him. What a legend.

The scene that frustrates me the most with Eric is after the pregnancy class. During this class a man smiles at Sloan, Eric questions her about it and she admits to him that they have been out together but NOTHING beyond polite conversation happened, so its a bit like having a friend to me and you. Eric is disgusted by this and gets upset she could be sleeping with anyone else (yes this is unbelievable I know), this is where Sloan should ditch this sad sack of a man, instead somehow this makes her want to sleep with him. HOW!?!?!?!? She explains that he is “clean” as hes only been sleeping with “I WANT YOUR COCK” Melanie, but, like the devilish rogue that he is, he admits to sleeping with other women, actually hes slept with two in the same day. On the very day of the pregnancy class actually. You couldn’t even try and write this kind of misogynistic nonsense if you tried.

Then, after all this horribleness, its then revealed that he slept with Sloans step mum (Its just sad at this point) Sloan loads up her car and begins to drive away. This is it, this is the moment, some redemption, she will ride off and escape the movie, maybe she`ll just end her misery quickly and drive off the nearest cliff like Thelma and Louise. Although impossible to believe, she turns the car around and tells E shes “Willing to give it a shot”. It was at this point in the film where my notes read “Is this movie real”. Eric later gets a call from Melanie demanding they meet up, as he takes a seat at the rendezvous point a girl passes him. OH NO its the OTHER girl (who is also, pretty much introduced naked) he slept with that day, he struggles to remember her name (its Paula),  because you know, he was having fun so cant remember it. They both confront him, women everywhere cannot wait for justice to be done to this character. One announces she has an STI the other is pregnant.  Its a scene that could have some gravitas and meaning, maybe some character development, instead its played for laughs, turns out the two girls know eachother and wanted to teach E a lesson in maybe not being a cretin, he learns nothing. Instead only understanding that he shouldn’t sleep with women that either know each other, or live within such a close proximity to one another. Just writing about it doesn’t sit right with me.

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Our four protagonists look dumbfounded. They must`ve A)Run out of Locker room talk or B) There are no more women in L.A. left for them.

The other two characters are Turtle and Johnny, there isn’t much to say about these two, they are both just as horrible as the others. A video of Johnny circulates on the internet of him masturbating to which everyone is horrified, Turtle even says that a girl playing with herself is hot but when its Johnny (A man) its disgusting. They don’t waste any line of dialogue without offending somebody in this film.

Both Turtle (played by Jerry Ferrara) and Vince have love interests in the film, they are Ronda Rousey and Emily Ratajkowski both playing themselves. Turtle is smitten by Rousey and wants to date her. The film could present an interesting female character, with Rousey a UFC fighter in real life she could prove to be a formidable force to the men, she isn’t, and says that if Turtle can last 30 seconds in the ring with her he can date her, or better yet, last 60 seconds and get to sleep with her. Luckily for us (and Rousey), he only lasts 30.

When it comes to Ratajkowski everyone in the film just wants to talk about how “hot” she is, she is constantly objectified in the film and there is nothing more to her character than what she looks like. I don’t know if she needed an ego boost or was desperate for work, but her character is abysmal and there is no reasonanyone should take this role. She of course offers herself to Vince and tells him “You`re too good looking to be insecure”. The hilarious thing about having these two women as love interests is that when the film was released in 2015 they might of been relatively famous and relevant, now they just already seem outdated.

The television show was infamous for having celebrity cameos (even getting the likes of Scorcese to feature) and here is no different. There`s an endless parade of celebrities wanting to get their muggins in on the film, I don’t care to list them all but the standout two for me are Gary Busey and Mark Wahlberg, yes just when I thought the film couldn’t get any worse, the Wahlberg himself appears. Wahlberg also produces the movie and even though hes only on screen for about 30 seconds he still manages to present himself as a complete slimeball. Wahlberg in real life is known for walking round with his own little entourage of groupies and they are onscreen here, he even offers there services to Vince, like hes some sort of god and them his flying little monkeys, available to carry out his bidding.

Now Buseys cameo is actually interesting, long been mocked for being mentally unwell (unfortunately Busey was in a motorcycle accident that seriously damaged his brain) Busey has suffered some horrible media ridicule in his time. Here he is playing himself and he is explaining to the party goers that the Jekyll and Hyde story “represents a concept in Victorian culture of the inner conflict of humanities sense of good and evil” he is right, accept everyone laughs him off as a joke. ironically he is the one discussing not only some form of art, but clearly making more sense than ANYONE else in the film.

As you can tell by now, I hate this film. I haven’t spoken about the directing, acting, editing, sound design or cinematography and that’s because there is absolutely nothing of interest here, nothing is done well.

I have spent a lot of this review describing scenes and I would never normally do this because it is boring to read and I apologise for that. However Entourage needed this. It needed to be named and shamed for the vile trash that it is. When talking about working with Chevy Chase on the set of Community Donald Glover once VERY subtly threw shade at him by talking about how having an old timer around taught him exactly how not to do comedy, well here is no different.

The only time aspiring filmmakers or audiences should watch Entourage is to learn how not to do anything. Ever. Whether that be film making or simply how to interact with a fellow human being. It has to be one of the worst and offensive films I have ever seen put to screen. The film shouldn’t be titled Entourage, It should be instead be “Locker room talk, The Movie”.

The many times I endured this film was through Sky Movies and is regretfully available on there now, if you want the Blu-ray, which I imagine no one does, you can grab it here:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Entourage-Movie-Blu-ray-Region-Free/dp/B00QKS2GNK/ref=sr_1_4_twi_blu_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1492813519&sr=8-4&keywords=Entourage

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